Without Appetite.

I have found myself without Appetite. I have a desire for more. More food, more art, more music, more joy, more adventure, more peace, more love, more being fully human without limits. More Appetite.

Gioia

1/6/20251 min read

Ironing - Vicki Feaver

I used to iron everything:

my iron flying over sheets and towels

like a sledge chased by wolves over snow;

the flex twisting and crinking

until the sheath frayed, exposing

wires like nerves. I stood like a horse

with a smoking hoof,

inviting anyone who dared

to lie on my silver padded board

to be pressed to the thinness

of dolls cut from paper.

I'd have commandeered a crane

If I could, got the welders at Jarrow

to heat me an iron the size of a tug

to flatten the house.

Then four years I ironed nothing.

I put the iron in a high cupboard.

I converted to crumpledness.

And now I iron again: shaking

dark spots of water onto wrinkled

silk, nosing into sleeves, round

buttons, breathing the sweet heated smell

hot metal draws from newly-washed

cloth, until my blouse dries

to a a shining, creaseless blue,

an airy shape with room to push

my arms, breasts, lungs, heart into.

I have found myself without Appetite

All my Life I had an appetite for life. And then I lost it as my teenage years were taken from. The effects of bullying on me and my inability to learn my emotions and move through that difficulty have made it difficult to recover this appetite.

Though my appetite has been lost for quite some time, my desire for more has accompanied me everyday.

A desire for more. More food, more art, more music, more joy, more adventure, more peace, more love, more being fully human without limits. More Appetite.

I have gotten it back - in a small quantity. But this has proven enough to drive me forward to recover all of it.  I have recently started reading Clarissa Pinkola Estés' "Women who run with Wolves" and Florence Given's "Women living Deliciously". They are proving to be much needed guidance. 

As I am learning to live fully and deliciously again, I'd like to document this journey.

To never live without appetite again.